As the weather continues to get warmer, more and more sharks have been seen at grocery stores, music festivals, and swimming near the shores of places where people swim and vacation.
"I didn't plan on seeing Jaws in the water." said Eric Tails who crapped his pants while vacationing in Cape Cod. "I just hoped that sharks weren't attracted to my poop. They wasn't and I am hear to tell the tale."
We are now learning that fisherman Hank Barnacles, who has been trying to learn if Great Whites suffer from depression for some dumb reason, is trying to warn the public about the possibility that a shark could end up at a baseball game.
"I waste a lot of time and money trying to figure out meaningless stuff about sharks. You've heard people say that anything is possible right? That is all I am saying." he said.
Although the likely hood of a shark getting a ticket to a game is rare, we are not counting it out.
"Have you seen the pictures on Yahoo of that kayaker? Do you think he expected it? I think that Granderson would be just as shocked if he saw a dorsal fin go by on the field. I am just saying, it could happen and we should be ready." he added.
Barnacles, who smells of rotten fish, never considered the possibility that sharks don't go on land and probably couldn't fit through the turnstiles, but he said he will stop at nothing to make sure his message gets to MLB.
"We have to prevent the next attack, even if it is at a stadium near you." he concluded
So, Ryan Braun (who skated on a technicality, while throwing his specimen collector under the bus) has accepted suspension for the remainder of the year. Since HE negotiated it, that ends it. No admission of guilt (remember Nolo Contendere from Nixon's first VP?) is made, but the punishment is identical.
Eleven other MLB players accepted 50 game suspensions, without appeal.
So why is A-Rod being offered 220 game suspension? And why does the collective media think we are all nine year olds?
For crying out loud, Bernie Madoff was treated more fairly than A-Rod, and Madoff stole BILLIONS. A-Rod pumped himself up and did he "steal" millions, or did he use his enhanced physicality to EARN million that the Yankees were only too glad to pay for those stats?
So now A-Rod has appealed his suspension, and thanks to the collective media "mistrying" him in the court of public opinion, he must try to play out his remaining games as the pariah of baseball.
Assume for a moment that he is as guilty as sin with regards to taking HgH. Then, why is he appealing this?
DUH! Seven weeks penalty for eleven others, and FIFTY-NINE weeks penalty for A-Rod!
Then, even Michael Kay (his own team's announcer) drops a dime on him by saying (on-the-air) that if he is innocent, then why won't he just claim such in an interview? (That's probably a case of Kay reverting to his old days as writer for the New York Post where one of his duties was to address football betting lines, telling readers which way to BET on games! Nice resume' there! The scandal mongering never leaves the blood?)
Bachelor of Arts from Fordham - hmmm- did you major in finishing sentences with prepositions?
A-Rod of course, refused to answer because he now has an ersatz legal case, and anything he says WILL be used against him! (IMO, he just wants the same seven week penalty offered the other eleven players.)
Alex Rodriguez is finally back in the Yankees lineup, and Yankees fans everywhere are thrillled to have him around again. The team barely functioned without him. ARod has been suspended for 211 games but has appealed. Meanwhile a handful of other players are agreeing to just go away, so why can't ARod?
Is Bud Selig and MLB launching a witch hunt aimed at targeting ARod? We asked Ted Quigsly what he thought.
"It's a witch hunt." Quigsley said. "Look I make my living selling brooms, so who else would know more about witches than me? Plus I married one, wink wink. Trust me, Selig has a vendetta against ARod. Maybe because he's so good looking, I don't know. Seems odd that he got 211 games when the other players got 50."
I think that's because its the 20th time he's cheated.
"The guy is an all star. He should be in the Hall of Fame. Down with Selig!"
ARod returned last night and went 1 for 4. Since he earns about 50k an at bat, its a pretty smart decision to appeal and hold out as long as he can.
Everyone knows the tale of the billygoat gruff. Something about cute little goats trying to cross a bridge that a mean troll lives under.
The Matt Garza tale is a little different.
You see boys and girls...once upon a time there was a mediocre pitcher named Matt Garza, who had a giant clump of hair on his chin like a billygoat would.
Matt Garza is a mean old jerk, and that's why he's played for several teams in a short career - no one ever wants to keep him around!
Matt Garza can't field so smart teams get the idea to bunt against him, and this makes Matt Garza mad.
One day, after a bunt by Eric Sogard drove a run in, Sogard's wife, Princess Kaycee posted a tweet: "Get em on get em over and get em in!"
This made Matt Garza super angry. Rather than work on his fielding, he threw a temper tantrum and posted a tweet himself. "@KayceeSogard tell your husband to speak up so his wife doesn't have to do it for him ... Chumps! ... Hahaha!...Certain people can't shut there woman up!"
Later on, Matt Garza had to apologize, but he proved what a mean old nasty troll he is.
But the A's will win the division and live happily ever after...until they get swept out of the playoffs like they always do.
Arnold Bennings had himself an idea.
"I told my boys that I would be booing A-Rod each time he came up to bat. I tells my boys that and then I did just that."
Arnold and his boys were located in the upper deck.
"My voice carries. I always tells my boys, I may be a loud mouth jerk, but A-Rod is a bigger loud mouth jerk." he added.
We will try to get a hold of A-Rod after the game to see if he heard Arnold's boos, but we doubt it.
First, for those who are more than casually interested - Chris Johnson has stated that he feels Roger Maris has the legitimate HR record of 61. (And it is still the AL record, officially!)
While that might seem to be a nice homage to Roger, it is also Davis' way of NOT having to compete with the Bonds record of 73. Aha! By talking this way, Davis is trying to suggest that his numbers are totally honest and without PEDs; but without testing positive for them, A-Rod is all but convicted of using PEDs from this lab in Florida! So the cloud of suspicion will linger in many minds (certainly mine) until there is definitive HGH testing and blood doping tests (Lance's "tour de Force"), and maybe even bat x-rays!
But back to 61 homers for a moment. On Friday night 8/2, Davis hit #40 - on the same date in 1961, Roger Maris had ... 40 also. (I'm using dates now, not game numbers, and Roger's last game was 10/1/61. Davis is last scheduled to play on 9/29.
Roger had hit #40 on 7/25/61, but went into a doldrum; but tomorrow's date 8/4, Roger will hit #41 and then in a six day period, the second week of August, Roger will explode for SEVEN homers in six days! So Mr. Davis must get hot to stay on his pace!
Next item - Tiger back strongly, carding a 61 (see the connection?) on Friday 8/2. But after he had 14 majors, it was discovered he also had 14 extra-marital blonds on the side - so if I were his significant other, I might not exactly be rooting for him at the PGA (Pretty Girls of America?), coming up soon (no pun intended).
There is no truth to the rumor that a certain person tried to change his (now) infamous internet moniker from Carlos Danger to A-Wad. Ron Jeremy already supposedly has that!
Burt Puggs of Queens NY has a message for A-Rod.
"You should have done it naturally like me." he said as he flexed his arms.
Burt just won a contest in his local gym, which is located in his parent's garage. He tells us about all of the hard work he put in to get where he is today.
"See these Bi's? What about these Tri's? You don't get these overnight. And you certainly don't get this trophy overnight either."
Actually Burt did get the trophy overnight. He has a Prime Amazon account and they sent it to him overnight. He gave himself the trophy after doing 30 pushups over the course of 3 days.
"I like the way I look and it is all natural." he added. "I use olive oil to make my muscles stand out. Ain't they huge?"
With A-Rod's supsension looming, how long will he get? Some say for life. Others say for eternity. We will have to wait and see.
Eight games, two in LA, three in SD, and three in Chicago (South side) are possibly the final gasp if the Yankees don't put together some form of rally in the standings.
The Yankees can reach those LA seats, but can they hit LA's pitching? We'll find out.
SD - the Yanks almost need a sweep here. Ditto with the Chisox.
They haven't gained on either Boston or Tampa Bay in the last week and Baltimore owns the remaining wild card, right now.
Wells wisely made a deal to Give Soriano his uniform number - it might just be a few weeks before he gets * DFA (Designated for Assignment, like Jason Bay, this week).
A- Rod's lawyers have warned MLB that he will appeal, thus giving himself the opportunity to prove he is healthy enough to play in 2013, even if it costs the Yankees millions. The only way I can see this not happening is that dirty word: collusion!
MLB is alleged to have indicated that if A-Rod appeals, then the penalty will be extra, which seems to patently violate the law - for once A-rod's lawyers are convinced he has demonstrated an ability to play (and keep his salary on point), then (like any pending appeal by any MLB player) drop the appeal and demand the original punishment. This happens all the time regarding suspensions - in legalese, it's called PRECEDENT!
But that crap aside, I would like to be a fly on the wall by tomorrow's deadline, or is it tonight's?
Sadly, if Derek can play, Nunez becomes a cheerleader - but if you can make a trade and GET value, it might require giving up Nunni to get the deal done.
Papelbon has already started to alienate Phila ownership, supposedly saying "This isn't the Phillies team to which he signed on to play". (Is he trying to make himself available to vie for Mariano's job? He is too late and a season early. The Yanks would rather go with Robertson at a 2014 discount than pay anyone anything appreciable - we all know why!)
The Yankees re-aquired long time fan favorite Alfonso Soriano and he delivered Sunday going 4/5 with a hr and 3 rbi's.
Yankees fan Chad Zumbanto is hoping for more old time Yankees to be brought back.
"Lets see if Cashman can get creative and get some other true Yankees back. I'm sick of the free agents like Tex and CC. Lets get Scott Brosius back. Hell he's clutch and probably still younger than half the guys we have here."
Brosius is remembered for being a part of the Yankees dominant teams in the late 90's but he hasn't played since 2001.
"Hey, for the right price, anyone will play. We traded Soriano for A-Rod once upon a time and look what happened. We've stunk ever since. I still have a Brosius jersey you know."
We didn't know.
"Well I do. And while we're at it let's demolish this stupid, expensive new stadium and bring back the original Yankee Stadium. We've stunk ever since that got changed too."
Can Soriano help the Yankees get back in the race?