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What do you do when the Yankees are getting crushed by the Seattle Mariners and you're an adult? Well you buy some cotton candy and eat it like a complete idiot, that is what you do. To get a better understanding of how cotton candy at Yankee Stadium tastes, we talked to Martin "Sweeet tooth" Jones, an avid candy eater.
"Well if you are going to devote most of your life to eating candy, you have to go all the way. I once ate 43 packs of Rolo's and passed out on the toilet. It was freaking awesome!"
So what are you saying? Should this guy have been eating cotton candy like an imbecile?
"Absolutely. The bigger ass you look like, the more it warrants you eating a kids candy. I mean, you have to be a complete loser to eat cotton candy as an adult. I think that is what we have here. A complete dip-sh**." he added
We are not sure if the man is a complete dip-sh**, but he went to the game with New York Yankees Tickets and got on TV.
Fans are in shock after seeing the picture of the bat above. Could it be that Mickey Mantle was using a corked bat?
In order to get an accurate assessment of this picture, we turned to a cork expert. Quigley Vines runs and operates a failing wine shop in Harlem. He knows a thing or two about corks and drinks most of his profits away. His motto is "wine is made from grapes, grapes are good for you, wine has to be good for you too."
"The bat does appear to have a cork around the top of it. If you look closely at the green arrows, you will see that there is a giant cork there. You have to look closely, but it is there."
We looked and indeed you could see it. You would have to be a complete idiot not to, but still Quigley insists that it is tough to see. We are not sure if the picture is Mantle's actual bat, but it does come from a completely unreliable source, which we here at Bronx Goblin value very much.
"I like all kinds of alcohol. Not just wine. I hate when people try to depict me as only a wine drinker. I like cosmo's just like any other tough guy. Get off my back." added Vines for some reason.
We aren't sure if vines watches the Yankees on TV or goes to the games. If he goes to the games, he can get great Yankees tickets.
Parker Willis has been eating hotdogs for years. He loves the taste of nitrates and especially loves how lean and healthy they are.
"I fear of the day when hotdogs will be genetically modified and that scares me. Who knows what they will put into hotdogs when that happens? I mean, I want to eat healthy. I fear that if I am watching a game, I will be eating garbage." said Parker as he sipped on a bucket of soda.
Hotdogs are currently made up of a bunch of mystery meats and anything else you can find on the floor. If they are genetically modified, could they get any worse?
"I wake up in the morning and walk around the house crop dusting my family with my gas. When I am done doing that, I boil myself a hotdog, drink the water and am on my way. It makes me feel good about myself and I like that." added Parker who was clutching his heart.
GMO's have been the cats meow lately in the food industry. It is only a matter of time before they find out that they do some damage.
"That's what I have been saying. Let hotdogs just be healthy, like they are now. I like to just throw my cigarette butts on the ground and act like it isn't littering. I am too busy to find an ashtray to throw them out at."
What do think about food with GMO's?
In 1979, just after the Yankee back to back World Series victories, there was an incident in the clubhouse between Goose Gossage and Cliff Johnson, leading to a thumb injury and DL stint, leading to the reigning CY Young Ron Guidry (total team player) to volunteer himself to switch to the bullpen while Goose was out. Guidry had come up as a reliever so it wasn't so off-the-wall an idea as you might imagine. In fact, it's exactly what the team did, thus allowing them to vie for the 79 pennant. That year, through a combination of vulture victories (allowing a game to be tied, then hanging on as your team retakes the lead) and long relief as the Yankees made many comebacks, Ron Davis went 14-2 in relief, saving 9 to Goose's 18. But Catfish's arm finally quit on him and he retired at season's end, while Ed Figueroa (statwise) fell off the planet.
Meanwhile, those pests in Baltimore (Orioles not the insects) continued to win close game after close game, eventually beating the Yankees in a late season series and capturing the pennant. During the pennant run, news people asked Earl Weaver what was the secret success formula. He said, "Pitching and three run homers." (Of course, he didn't know of the existence of this nine year old kid in Panama named Mariano Rivera.)
Francesa and I both saw trouble with the depleted Yankee team playing against Oakland and then Colorado, so closely together and then with the make up twinbill with the (surging of late) Indians on Monday 5/13 which should deplete both starting staff and bullpen as the team approaches another bout of excellent teams, but so far, SURPRISE!, the Yanks have kicked ass!
Umpires have been going crazy lately with blown calls, arrogance, instigating fights, and costing games. So what's going on? We talked with one unidentified and unconfirmed source who claims to have the answers.
"The umpires are sick of all the fame and all the money going to those pesky ballplayers." The source said. "If it wasn't for the umpires there would be no baseball!"
The source went on.
"Umpires are going to continue this silent revolution. They want million dollar contracts. They want to be depicted on baseball cards. They want a hall of fame."
We asked a prominant umpire to call in for an interview but he missed two of the numbers and ended up ordering a pizza instead.
Are the umpires waging a war with baseball?
Lyle Koverski loves to watch the Yankees and style his hair like celebrities. He once cut his hair like Vanilla Ice for a game in Detroit and decided to go with the Michelle Obama look in Kansas City.
"Yeah, I don't have anything going for me. I decided to cut my hair like Michelle Obama because she is a powerful women and likes to eat healthy. I eat me some organic squash all the time. I just feel like I have some sort of connection."
Lyle doesn't like having a job and doesn't do much in the way of anything productive with his life.
"If I had a job, I would have called in sick to watch the Yankees game." added Lyle
We aren't sure if more fans will be following in Lyle's footsteps, but he may be on to something. The Yankees are currently in first place.
The Toronto Blue Jays went out and signed a bunch of expensive players this offseason and fans were excited. One month in and the Jays are 13-22, good for last place in the AL East.
After news hit that Tim Tebow fans have signed a petition for President Obama demanding that the Jacksonville Jaguars sign him, two Jays fans got a similar idea.
Eddie Hrbinik and Charles Gretosky of Canada are starting a petition to have the baseball season start over.
"We got robbed aye!" Eddie said. "Reyes got hurt and Dickey stinks. This was our year!"
"Counting me and Eddie, we got..." Charles started skimming the names. "Nineteen people aye! That's more than usually attend a Jays game! JOE CARTER IS A GOD!!!!!"
We are doubtful the petition will work but of course will keep you posted.
Its only a matter of days before an estimated 30 billion to 1 trillion cicadas will emerge from 17 years of underground existence to take flight across the Eastern Seaboard. It is even crazier that someone's job is to keep an eye on what an insect is doing underground.
With that said, Lenny Jarvis an insect enthusiast has hunkered down into the ground to find out what the Cicadas were up to.
"Not a whole hell of a lot." he told us. "They are getting ready to emerge and get busy with one another so they can go back underground for another 17 years. Seems ridiculous if you ask me."
Jarvis didn't comment on how ridiculous it was for him to hunker down and see what the sex driven insects were up to. Instead, he decided to land an interview with one of the insects.
"I interviewed head cicada Richard Gannon and he told me something startling." added Jarvis in a frightened tone. "He said he and 8 million close friends had their sights set on invading Yankee Stadium. He told me that they wanted to have Cicada sex on Joba Chamberlain's neck like the midges did in Chicago a while back. Crazy story huh?"
With that said, we have know idea how we can verify the conversation between Jarvis and Richard the Cicada, but you can bet that they will be flocking around.
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